LA MIA VITA

Message in a Dream

2012-02-10T09:36:00.000-08:00

~Message in a Dream~

All my life, I have believed that the human mind holds a tremendous power. Logic cannot explain everything in this life, least of all our dreams; the products of our minds.

Depending on the person himself, thoughts can be sequential and logical or a large web of interrelated information that no one can make sense of but him.

Regardless, while awake, we have total control of our thoughts. Which means that our own personalities play a major role in the process of shaping these thoughts. Our own hopes, fears, strengths and weaknesses mold our thoughts and eventually; our decisions.

This, I believe, is the underlying reason for most of our wrong decisions. Because we make them while awake. we suppress our mind's natural ability to make right decisions when we incorporate our personalities and life's many stress-inducing factors into the process.

Dreams, on the hand, tell the truth.

while dreaming, we have no control-whatsoever-of our brains. If we did, nightmares would never exist. But dreams are our minds' way of talking..communicating what we force ourselves not see while awake. Feelings and our hearts desires present themselves, free and honest, in the shape of dreams.

That is not a generalization. Not all dreams, mind you, deliver some kind of "hidden message"..some appear as a crazy mix of people and events that I cannot, try as I might, make sense of. But I think that everyone can understand the type of dreams I'm talking about.

For many weeks up until last night, I had a hard decision to make. Standing in front of a wall with three identical doors, never knowing which one to open. I "secretly" knew what lies behind each door...and which one was the right one to open. But I was afraid. so I kept thinking and thinking..

last night, my mind got sick of my constant thinking, apparently.

so when I finally fell asleep, I saw a dream.

It was simple, really. Just the truth..regardless of my fear.

I woke up..relieved.

From now on, I will never underestimate the strength of my mind. Really, sobhan Allah, the Creator.

And truth reveals itself..again

2012-01-24T22:37:00.000-08:00

The jasmine is not as strong as I thought it was. It's weak, very weak. Had to leave it in the sun for a little while and it's already withering away.
So much for years...
Oh, I am sorry. That was me. The jasmine never said that. Excuse me.

When I came to caress my jasmine, water it and nurse it back to health, it turned its face up; bombarding me with the sight of wilting while petals.
The sight drew me in, hypnotized me.
...and stabbed at my conscious.

But the sweet jasmine was in a revengeful mood.
It did not believe that my own knives stabbing away at my resolve were enough. No, it had to add to my punishment...so it developed its own knives.

Razor-sharp thorns grew out of the stem, cutting me.
but that is not all..
as the first drop of scarlet blood hit the stem, the thorns strengthened and transformed into steel, glinting in the sun light. A promise of more pain to come.

From afar I heard a loud cackle...

I was right in the beginning, it really is a trap.

Pitch Black

2012-01-08T04:06:00.000-08:00

ALERT: WRITTEN IN A VERY BAD STATE OF MIND, I PERSONALLY ADVICE YOU NOT TO PROCEED.

Many years ago...the day I saw the cold humorless grin for the first time, my hopes were crushed. And like the silly little girl that I was, I truly believed that my life then was pitch black.
Stupid me..it was barely powder grey!

A couple of years later...struggling my way in an endless loop of hope, pressure and disappointment, I thought that my life then was pitch black..it couldn't get any worse, can it?
turns out it can.
and what i thought was pitch black was actually charcoal grey.

last winter..when all I ever hoped for was dangled in front my eyes for less than 30 minutes before it was snatched away...it took crazy strength to hide the hurt I felt at the glaring injustice of it all.
but even THAT wasn't pitch black.

the only thing worse than feeling disappointed, is seeing the other's disappointment in you. It's a terrifying nightmare..always hovering in the back of my mind. now mix that with loneliness, obligation to people who are more of leeches than humans, hostile surroundings and challenges I know i'm not fit for...bad...but we're not done yet. Fate has so kindly decided to give me one more blow: I don't get to see the light this winter..and i thought 30 minutes were bad...this is just downright cruel.
so now, this is what I believe is truly Pitch Black.

..but everything is possible. Who am I to challenge fate???

desperate prayer

2011-12-15T02:57:00.000-08:00

can't write...can't talk
feels like I can hardly breathe..
Ya Rab!

Like a Duck in a Frozen Lake

2011-11-26T09:17:00.000-08:00

She doesn't believe in signs.

But sometimes you see something...in a certain time and place, and it feels as if it means something...like a hidden message.

Even if that thing has always been there, at that time..you seem to see it in a completely different light..for the first time realizing what lies behind it.

...or maybe it's just me. My mind is strange..of that i'm sure...
she thought.

On that day, she was silently observing her surroundings as she walked briskly to class in the ice-cold morning air...

She was feeling depressed; for no matter how hard she tried, she could not squeeze her way into the complicated web of the young society. Internally, she was satisfied by what she has; the few good people she knew. But the pressure, the constant pressure from them...their never ending questions and orders...
that made her feel like she has to try harder...it was simply never enough for them.
Can't they see?
Don't they know that this is who she is? this is how she prefers to live?
But no.
It seemed like everyone had a say in her life but her.
if only they would just let her breathe...

and like they always do, her thoughts came down to the plain truth: she had failed.
it was while that particular thought strangled her from within that she looked up from the gravelly path to the lake.
it had frozen over night.
but to her surprise, the ducks didn't seem to mind that
they were all swimming in one very small part where the icy surface of the water had been broken..

she was ashamed.
the ducks swimming crowded in the freezing water showed her how much of a weakling she had been.

look at them..they do not care about the cold water...they just accepted the new situation. They did not sit on the bank and weep, instead; they are in there and neither the cold nor the small swimming space seemed to bother them.

she understood the message..or sign...or whatever it was.
she was over thinking the situation. All she had to do was to ignore the pressure, do what she would like to do..and stop trying so hard.

All she had to do was to try to be like a duck in a frozen lake.

Torment

2011-11-17T03:52:00.001-08:00

"Nothing" said one member of the group. "She was just passing. She's standing right there, but she's still just passing." The whole group burst into laughter. Veronika assumed an ironic air, smiled, turned and moved off, so that no one would notice that her eyes were filling with tears. She went straight out into the garden without bothering to put on a coat or a jacket."
Veronika Decides to Die - Paulo Coelho

apparently, harshness knows no bounds...
I wonder why is it that harshness is considered stylish instead of instead of kindness..
this part of the story is the reality of so many young people across the world; it takes a heart of steel to be the only one who doesn't belong...the one in the spotlight...in the center of attention.

if you are suffering from social torment, the only thing I can tell you is to never give up...take it from someone who knows.

!!!STOP!!!

2011-10-30T07:49:00.000-07:00

this has got to stop.
Everything has got to stop.
..so tired of trying to please everyone

YOU : yes, you...the one with the dagger stares and whispered oaths...believe me I hate it more..so STOP IT!
YOU: the one with the permanent smirk..WIPE IT OFF YOUR FACE before I wipe it for you!
and YOU: my "friend"...you should REMEMBER what you have done before blaming me.
YOU: you know who you are..would you please just LET ME BE!
YOU: I am so sick of playing YOUR part!! MAN UP already!
and YOU: my ever-present pain..please LEAVE!
YOU: I thought you were the worst..but it turns out you are only one of many...you condescension is inexcusable...so STOP IT!!

One is the Loneliest Number

2011-10-20T04:52:00.000-07:00

..and there it stood.

for decades upon decades..the lone tree stood in the cold grey clearing.

the roots clutched the ground with a grip stronger than steel, and the branches swayed with the wind as if they are dancing to some secret tune..

There are no people in that place. No animals. Not even weeds.

So except for the occasional hissing of the tree's leaves, the silence lay thick and heavy on the clearing.

The tree doesn't mind the loneliness. No, it loves it actually.

It's being alone in that place that bothers it so much.

Standing there in the middle of the dead clearing, it was sticking like a sore thumb. It does not belong there..

no matter how long it has been patiently standing there...it knew that it does not belong.

sometimes..ravens invaded the calm of the little gray clearing.

their shrieking voices ripping the silence and filling the tree with dread and an inexplicable urge to rip the roots out and just leave!

..but one day, a blue bird landed on one of the branches. It was Autumn and the tree stood naked facing the harsh wind. The bird was tiny, with a cute little beak and small legs. It hopped form one branch to another joyfully, unmindful of the dreary place.

..but sadly, the bird spread it's wings and flew away!

apparently, it got there by mistake...it never meant to come to the clearing.

Brokenly, the tree watched the bird fly away...feeling more desolate than ever.

and so came the winter, rain and snow weighed down the old branches..and one by one..they broke and fell to the hard ground.

and when it was time for the tree to leave, it breathed a sigh of relief so deep, that the heavens shuddered at the deep sorrow of the old tree.

...the branches lay lifeless around the dead bark..

...and the tree finally fit into the picture.

I belong.

Exchange Year in Germany : the first day

2011-09-21T11:53:00.000-07:00

this post is a little late..but give me a break..i'm suffering from a culture shock here!!
so was written on Sep 14th...

So here we are. It's September 14th and I'm in Schwenningen for the next 6 months for the exchange semester.
I left home at 0:00 am on September 12th and arrived here at about 1:30 PM. The trip itself was, for the lack of a better word, exhausting. Or "anstrengend" in german!
just before i reached the airport I got a call from my friend saying that the our flight will be delayed by one hour due to storms in Frankfurt. I know, how nice, huh?
Saying goodbye to my family was the hardest thing I ever had to do...even though my father is here with me..but he is leaving in a couple of days and i will be totally alone in this strange place...
the thought is scary. But..c'est la vie!!
In the airport, the procedures went smoothly but the wait was boring and I was sleepy. The flight itself, only 4:30 hours long, seemed never ending in my sleepy haze.
we arrived in Frankfurt, and all hell broke loose.
We were on the waiting list for the connection flight from Frankfurt to Stuttgart. but at 6:30 am..there were simply no Lufthansa employees available to ask!! There was supposed to be an hour left for the flight and spent it all running around the airport with our luggage in tow looking for someone to check our reservation.
so after an hour of running between terminals...we never made the flight.
so we had to run some more!!!
we decided to take the train. there was less than 10 mns left. we got the tickets and ran like bats out of hell and made it into the train with less than a minute to spare.
To get to Schwenningen we had to change trains in three stations...so when the machine like voice announced that the next stop will be Schwenningen am Nekar I was prepared to cry with joy.
Mercifully, the international office at HFU had arranged a pick up service for international students at the trainstation. The student in charge of international students relations is very nice and helpful..she drove us to the dorm to meet the landlady and sign the contract and everything.
that night and after dinner and prayer and everything I could finally lay my head on the pillow and sink into a deep dreamless sleep.
What happened in the next two weeks is much more beautiful..much more interesting :) , but this is not the place to share it. So until later (which should be soon)...tschues!

Joy and Sorrow - The Prophet (Gibran)

2011-09-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

I really loved this book; so short, yet so deep and prettily written. so i"d like to share this part with you :)

" On Joy & Sorrow

Then a woman said, speak to us of joy and sorrow.
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is it not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When your are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say,"joy is greater than sorrow", and others say,"Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you standstill and balanced.
When the treasure keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall."

isn't it beautiful?

10..9..8..

2011-09-01T23:30:00.000-07:00

10..9..we're down to single digits..

I'm torn between squealing with delight and trembling with fear.

The unknown is taunting me. I really want to finally have a chance to prove myself in the real world, but does it have to be all those miles away? who knows what might be lurking in the shadows of the unknown future?

But this...this is my only chance. Either I grab it, work hard and try to succeed or it will be lost forever. I can't lose my chance. I won't.
Academically, that university offers an outstanding education level, especially in applied medical sciences. As for the industry, the south has many, versatile internship chances in small as well as large well known companies.

...and the sweet promise of independence is pulling me in like a magnet. It would be so refreshing to decide everything on my own. I'm sick of having people dictate my life..planning my every move. it's time to be truly independent.

but the fear..the fear is tearing me down.
I'm just a girl. A small girl all alone in a completely foreign place. Would they be hostile? would they use their prejudices against me?
and the stupid news constantly have something to scare me further. like I need it!

and so on like an eternal battle inside my head..
Excitement vs. Fear

Bonding: My Jasmine and I

2011-08-05T06:42:00.000-07:00

My jasmine bloomed and grew through the crack...fragile looking yet incredibly strong, it spread the soft white petals and faced the sun.

Day by day, the crack got bigger, and the wall grew more brittle.

and one day, when I came to check on my jasmine, I did not find the wall.

it had crumbled into a heap of dust and rubble.

And what i thought was a single stubborn jasmine turned out to be an entire jasmine tree.

the pull was so undeniably strong, that I couldn't hide it any longer. I walked there, the intoxicating smell pulling me like a magnet...

Completely entranced by the beauty of the tree, I finally reached it. My heart fluttered with joy as I caressed the pretty white petals. They were so velvety soft, that they worked like a soothing balm to my battered fingers.

so I made a promise to protect my jasmine against all dangers...to nurture and take care of it.

but the strange thing is, time goes by, but my jasmine does not seem to be effected; like an evergreen it still stands strong. Frozen in time.

And every time I come to see it..my jasmine sways in the breeze sending a waft of the world's sweetest scent in my direction, as if greeting me.

And just like always, I still walk hypnotized to my tree, anxious to reach it, to smell it and touch the delicate petals. our daily routine.

so tomorrow when I walk to where the wall had been, I know it will be waiting for me.

my Jasmine.

The Truth about the Forest

2011-07-10T07:54:00.000-07:00

It was a very dark night.

The moon shied away from the sky leaving it inky black with no stars in sight.

The sound of the wolves howling roused her from her very restless sleep. The forest had provided her with a makeshift bed of pine needles. she had accepted the gift graciously as she couldn't find a better option in that terrible place, and her soft skin cringed at the thought of tree roots and pebbles jabbing her in the ribs all night, had she chosen the bare forest floor instead.

Eerie sounding howls sent shivers down her spine , making her frail body tremble with uncovered fear. in the moonless night, the forest seemed completely different than the way it looked through the mirror. Thankfully, the crows have disappeared. glowing eyes would have been too much for her poor heart to take. Startled, she got up. it seemed impossible to go back to sleep with all the worry filling her quivering heart.

As she sat thinking, a flick of light danced into her range of vision. Like a miniature light bulb suspended in the air before her eyes. it was a firefly. She has never been happier to see a bug in her entire life!

not willing to let go of the only source of light in the gloomy darkness of the forest, she followed the firefly. transfixed by the brightness of this little flick of light. walking, stumbling and tripping over bulging tree roots, but never, never, taking her eyes off of the firefly.

suddenly, the firefly zoomed between the barks of the trees so fast that she lost track of it!

like someone who had been hypnotized, she suddenly realized that she could not recognize her surroundings.

This place had a lake. She never realized that there was a lake here...tall trees surrounded the lake and covered it with dark shadows. right above the black surface of the water, a large opening between the tree tops formed a perfect oval. that if the moon was full and in the middle, it would have resembled an eye.

the sound of rippling water dragged her eyes to the lake, where she saw a swan. pretty and white in the water.

be at ease ,child. she heard in her head.

but it's so dark. i'm afraid.

fear is only in your mind, child. fight it. let the beauty of heaven take over.

From behind, she heard the sound of leaves crushing beneath someone's feet. she froze.

Moments later a lion stood by her side. she stared at it, open mouthed and scared to the bones.

Only the lion didn't seem to notice her presence.

It nodded slightly, and she was surprised to see the swan nodding back with it's pretty white head then spreading it's wings and soaring into the night sky. It was a stunningly beautiful sight.

as her daze dissipated, she returned her sight to the lion, only to see it staring directly at her.

the mane surrounding the lion's head was so golden and bright, that it seemed to shimmer in the darkness of the forest.

Inexplicably ,fear left her heart at once. and warmth took it's place.

that is right, child.

this isn't a trap?

only if you believe it to be.

she swore she saw the lion smile warmly at her.

..and on a whim, she wrapped her arms around the lion's luminous mane and nuzzled his neck.

it was the safest place in the world.

warm.

safe.

untouchable.

and what felt like a trap before turned out to be a piece of heaven.

the mirror can disappear for all I care. she thought with a smile.

exchanging gifts

2011-07-07T22:27:00.000-07:00

unknown time - unknown place

The great warrior advanced on his black stallion towards the castle gates.

The guards saluted him, and the gates swung open to reveal the castle grounds. He trotted, still on top of his horse, until he reached the entrance to the great hall where he left it with a stable boy and entered the castle.

as he walked, calm and graceful, on his way to the throne room, every lord saluted him. Every lady curtsied to him. and the maids scurried out of his way while some stopped doing whatever they were doing and stared at him in awe.

The queen was startled as the knight entered the throne room. She didn't expect him, he was supposed to be with the troops, fighting in the mountains.

Forgetting every rule there is, she descended from her throne and hurried to the greet him. He has been away for long, but he still looks the same, she could tell, even though his grey cloak covered most of his towering form.

but there was something strange, his look.

the knight has only two expressions : no expression , and furious.

today he was wearing neither. He had a warm look, and his eyes shone with determination.

at this moment there was no knight. and no queen.

there was only these two people. Forgetting everyone else in the room, the queen spoke with a fervor, asking the knight about the war; what happened? why was he here? was something wrong? and on and on.

the knight let the concern and affection wash over him, and warmth enclosed him like a mother's hug.

with a special smile, reserved only for the queen, he listened until she finished. And answered her every question. in short. The war was still raging, but they were winning and he was asking her permission to seize the lands.

then it was time for his sacrifice.

taking a step back from her, he knelt before the queen releasing his sword from it's leather sheath, and balancing it on his hands.

he bowed his head and presented the queen with his sword, his most prized possession.

"My queen. Our army will win the war, and here I present you with my grandfather's sword. I will forever be a faithful servant to this land."

the queen stared at the warrior, taking in the greatness of his gesture. that sword was his pride and joy. his only family heirloom..he couldn't have presented her with something more valuable.

"rise." she said softly.

rising up to his full height, towering over her small form, the knight looked at the queen , silently waiting for her response.

with confident hands, she reached behind her neck, unclasping the lock and taking off her mother's locket. the locket she constantly wears close to her chest, close to her heart.

she pulled his hand, held it palm up, put the locket inside, and closed his fist around it.

holding his fist with both her hands, she said "this land appreciates your sacrifices, good lord".

but her eyes betrayed her true message, which was meant for him, and only him.

returning the sword to it's sheath, her clutched the locket in his strong fist, silently vowing to never lose it, he tried to show his gratitude though his look. then when it became too much, he averted his eyes, bowed and left the room.

both returned to their duties, feeling their minds ,and their most vital organs, becoming farther an farther each passing minute.

Past the Silver Doorway

2011-06-30T23:53:00.000-07:00

The grass blades tickle her feet as she lands softly on the forest floor. She wiggles her toes and feels the dirt and grass, so real, beneath her feet.

Going through the mirror was a strange experience; for as she crossed the surface, she had a curious feeling of a cold liquid sliding down her body, but she came out dry and slightly shaken.

The shock wears off as she comes to her senses and starts to become aware of her surroundings...it was all there, the greenery, the flowers and even singing birds...but something was off. she can feel it.

Taking a tentative step towards the clearing between the trees, she spies a doe. A beautiful doe wandering into the clearing from behind the trees. The beautiful creature looked so regal and moved with such grace, that if it were human it would make a perfect ballerina. Careful not to scare it away, she moves softly towards the doe.

Much to her surprise, she reaches the doe without stumbling clumsily and breaking every twig on the way there. She was right there, beside it..but the doe is not afraid, does not even look alarmed...

suddenly she is compelled to see the doe's eyes...it was leaning it's head down all the time, and it's eyelids covered what she knew were big, dark, beautiful eyes.

So she touches the doe's head carefully, still feeling that something is definitely wrong, and when the doe lifts it's head...she is shocked to see a pair of grey eyes staring at her own, unblinking, and it's hypnotizing.

After what seems like forever, a thought suddenly enter her head. up!

up where?

up there! in the trees!

as if on cue, a hundred shrieks pierce the silence of the woods, and with eyes full of dread she looks up...

there, in the darkness of the trees, hundreds of black eyes stared at her.

Crows stood side by side on every branch, now silent, after screaming their horrible symphony.

she gasps, and looks down quickly.

but the doe is gone...the bait..the messenger has vanished.

Following the primal urge to escape, she runs like a bat out of hell, trying to exit the clearing and get back to that blasted mirror, her only way out.

and all the way, she could feel the dark eyes burning holes into her skull.

Feet scratched and bloodied she reaches the mirror..sighing in relief when she found it in place.

itching to go back to safety, she lifts her foot to step in, and it strikes silver glass.

aghast, she touches the surface repeatedly...trying to liquidize the silver.. in vain.

staring back at her was her reflection, ashen, her eyes resembling the look of a caged animal.

trapped.

Endless Loop

2011-06-20T23:23:00.001-07:00

Suddenly, she finds herself in a room. A huge white room...they're is no telling where the walls are...just a wide space, with a brilliant white light shining from above.

anxiousness creeps into her heart as she wanders around for hours and hours with no exit in sight.

then, a silvery surface catches her attention...a mirror, a perfectly rectangular mirror stands on the floor a couple of paces in front of her...curious, she walks to the mirror, and looks.

to her utter surprise, the mirror reflected nothing.

try as she might to find her picture, her reflection on the mirror surface, she simply could not.

for strangely, in the mirror, she could only see a thick wood!!

a wood complete with swaying tree leaves, chattering birds and lush green grounds...

perplexed, she stares...and absently she extends her hand to touch a pretty buttercup on the forest floor, to her complete astonishment, her hand dips through it,and the mirror surface ripples as if it were liquid silver!

scared, she pulls her hand back, like it was scorched by fire...and stares wide eyed at the queer silver rectangle...

she backs away...and looks around the white room.

there is nothing.

this place seems to extend towards the ends of the world with nothing but complete, brilliant whiteness.

...except for that mirror. it stood there taunting her, daring her to come near again.

she crosses her arms stubbornly, and refuses to let the mirror bother her.

so she looks away determinedly and busies herself with thinking of ways to escape this place.

she sits like that for what felt like several sunlit days.

finally, when she could see no other way...she allows herself to look at the mirror.

the beauty of the forest scene stuns her.

smothering her fear of what lies behind those trees, and what hides in that strange place, she steels herself, walks to the mirror and steps in.

COPING

2011-06-18T04:44:00.000-07:00

exhausted and spent, she throws herself on her bed.

screams into the pillow, trying to smother the frustrated shrieks escaping her throat.

traitor tears fight their way from her eyes...

and the chastising begins...her mind starts doing what it knows best, and beats her down.

"can't i ever shut my trap like they taught me?"

"why do i always make stupid choices?"

"way was i even born?"

lines too engraved in her memory...until she forgets they never were her own.

and when the floodgates finally close...the throbbing behind her eyes becomes too much to bear and she succumbs to a restless sleep.

maybe..maybe she can escape for a few minutes...maybe.

music in my veins

2011-06-14T10:12:00.000-07:00

the gentle strumming of the strings releases a tune so soft...that my heart strings quiver as if they’re being played instead of the ancient instruments’ strings.

sure violin music is magnificent, guitar music is great and piano music is phenomenal...but the sound of this music is painfully sweet, and everything pales in comparison.

listen, and let your mind wander...
let the melody take you to a place you’ve never been before...enjoy the lush never-ending fields of green, smile to the sun, caress the grass blades, chase the butterflies and run...fast and carefree..
and when the song reaches it’s climax, stand on the top of the mountain, close your eyes and feel the power...
let the euphoric feeling take over..let go..
then let the soft tune lull you back into a peaceful slumber, like a child listening to his mother’s heartbeat.

wake.
I dare you to not have a smile on your face when you do.

volcano

2011-06-11T22:51:00.000-07:00

have you ever seen a volcano erupting?

do you know that moment before the explosion, when the entire earth is trembling? trying to contain it's rage?

the moment when the cracks turn scarlet with the heat, when the fumes start leaking from the top and the pebbles start moving on the uneasy earth...

that is it...the epitome of tension.

after that moment, lava shoots up towards the heavens, the ground cracks...and the lava cascades down the sides of the mountain, blazing hot, melting rocks as if they were butter...

after a while, the black smoke settles, creating a thick black blanket. it covers the blackened dry lava...the earth settles lets it's final breath, and dies.

now imagine what would happen, if the mountain got stuck in it's trembling rage..never to be relieved...

Gold

2011-06-06T07:48:00.000-07:00

golden is my treasure.

it's one enormous mountain. Golden peak...so high, half way up the sky.

the size of it hides the sun. But who needs the sun when he's got his own sun? it shimmers, and brings happiness and warmth to the heart of everyone who sees it.

under the blanket of gold, lies a large number of steel hard rocks. Towards the top, slightly to the left a small cave is hidden; the safest place on Earth.

could you imagine curling up inside the sun? how warm and untouchable would that feel!

through hurricanes and storms, through summer heat and earth quakes...it never moved. Always there...always deep rooted and prominent, it stands imposing and proud.

it isn't my treasure, per se. It's everyone's.

at least for now.

heroism

2011-05-31T09:58:00.000-07:00

Well it isn't a rose after all...

it's a jasmine.

Jasmines are the most delicate little creatures. small and white, soft smell, instant comfort.

is it so wrong? was it stupid to let the little jasmine break through?? but it was so sweet and fragile, that it was almost sinful to pluck it...no, no regrets there.

something about this little fighter pushing it's way through a stone wall demanded respect. it's so utterly heroic...and it looks stunning.

like the break of dawn after a long, tiring, night.

relief.

a few white petals, small round yellow center...and a little green stem. but it accomplished what no one else could ever manage before.

the little flower made it all the way in. the crack is there...and light spilled in.

Rescue is finally here.

reminicing

2011-05-26T07:04:00.000-07:00

I still th remember the electric shock.

and the tingling all over...

the heat crawling up my neck...

the almost heart attack...

the locked gaze...

the pretty set of pearls...

the bashfulness...

oh and the conversations, if you can even call them that....

It's been years now...the magic is gone. But I still remember.

i'm really sick and in the middle of finals, but I just finished studying for the day and decided to squeeze in a word or two...thoughts of some years back have been dancing around in my head all night. hope I did't bore you. I know it doesn't make much sense.

Crack In the Concrete

2011-05-23T10:22:00.000-07:00

Around me are walls made of concrete.

there's a crack in the concrete!!

such horrifying thoughts of the walls shattering into heaps of dust, leaving me exposed for the entire world to see are scaring me...

but, what is it that's cracking my strong walls of concrete?

is it a weed? oh please no...not a weed.

weeds are evil plants...they spread like cancer, destroying the land in their wake...

actually I read a quote somewhere, it says "a weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill, except for learning to grow in rows"...

I really hope it's not a weed.

..but can't roses spring out from cracks too?

yes they can. There is a chance that from this crack a beautiful pink rose will extend it's beautiful petals toward the heavens...

velvety and soft...delicate...

i would caress the petals gently, careful not to pluck the little fighter...

it will break through my defenses, and I will try to respond...

with difficulty. Because be it for a rose or a weed, it's hard to let my guard down...

but eventually, I will.

and it will feel heavenly to finally be free of the confines of my insecurities.

praying for the off chance that in the dark crack resides a rose...

I wait.

a test

2011-05-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

it was a test wasn't it? and I failed miserably.

my God, I am such an idiot!

i'm so sorry...

I'm not one to make excuses. But i'm sorry, I truly am. I hope that this will do.

no more.

I promise...

Rim Banna: the voice, the fragrance and the figure

2011-05-19T11:30:00.000-07:00

اشارككم هذه الاغنية الرائعة.....

من اجمل ما غنت ريم بنا: "الصوت, الرائحة و الشكل"

يا جذر جذرى ... اننى سأعود حتما فانتظرنى

انتظرنى فى شقوق الصخر و الأشواك

فى نوارة الزيتون فى لون الفراش

يا جذر جذرى ... اننى سأعود حتما فانتظرنى

انتظرنى فى شقوق الصخر و الأشواك

فى نوارة الزيتون فى لون الفراش

و فى الصدى و الظل فى طين الشتاء ... و فى غبار الصيف فى خطو الغزال

و فى قوادم كل طائر

********

يا جذر جذرى ... اننى سأعود حتما فانتظرنى

انتظرنى فى شقوق الصخر و الأشواك

فى نوارة الزيتون فى لون الفراش

و فى الصدى و الظل فى طين الشتاء ... و فى غبار الصيف فى خطو الغزال

************

شوق العواصف فى خطاى ... و فى شرايينى نداء الأرض قاهر

أنا راجع فاحفظن لى صوتى ... و رائحتى و شكلى

يا أزاهر ... احفظن لى صوتى ... و رائحتى و شكلى

يا أزاهر .. يا أزاهر

(!changing at last(hopefully

2011-05-17T07:02:00.000-07:00

ever felt like you're the only constant in your life? like your standing in the eye of the storm and watching everything else swirling around you in a speed, so incredible, that you almost can't see anything anymore?? yeah that's what i feel right now...

the air around me is buzzing with activity, people are coming and going, waltzing into my life and leaving, at the speed of light. it's so confusing.

and while everyone else is changing, in so many ways, i always thought i was constant. I never change. but today, I had a weird experience...

you see, i'm the kind of person who is too stupid and shy, and would turn instantly pink when i'm in the spotlight. attention...well, it scares me. I get so nervous before doing a presentation, that I'm always certain that people can actually hear my heart beating so furiously as if it's trying to jump out of my chest! but today, I had to do this "project discussion", in which I had to explain a design i worked on with my group for the instructor of that class. i prepared absolutely nothing. but when we started talking, I wasn't nervous at all, even when the questions were directed to me alone..i just explained the part i worked on.

it felt so weird.. i never do that. when we used to do our German presentations and speaking tests, i used to get so jittery with nerves, and i doubt anyone understood anything (but they were so nice to point it out to me later). bu this, i don't know what happened..maybe because it isn't just my grade at stake here, so my mind sucked it up and pretended to be tough for my friends, they don't deserve to lose the grade they worked so hard to get...

whatever caused it, i'm not complaining!! but i wish this new found confidence would last for one more situation. i need to talk to someone so badly, but i always chickened out and never got the guts to do it...i almost did today, but the time was wrong....but now there is almost no time left, this has got be done soon.

please God, don't let me lose my nerve!

i'm scared

2011-05-13T23:21:00.000-07:00

i'm afraid i blew it.

it was not supposed to be too strong, but i think it seemed too forward. the tone was too clipped and it scared me, a lot.

at least i didn't get a tongue lashing...thank God for small miracles. it could have been worse.

i can't get over how stupid i can be.

the happiness at the university acceptance dulled my shock a bit. but it's back full force, and i'm feeling so embarrassed. i wish i would stop getting myself into these horrid situations!! i guess this blog is very aptly named...

stupid stupid STUPID

2011-04-08T09:28:00.000-07:00

i swear i deserve a beating for being so damn stupid!

i knew that nothing lasts forever, but i went and let myself get attached...and it hurts like hell to realize my only sanctuary is about to leave me. forever....

I'm such a coward.

and God, i do wish them happiness, because they sure as hell deserve it...but i'm scared to death of being forgotten forever. but i couldn't say a word, i couldn't utter a single syllable when they asked what the matter was. it's just not right to make an angel feel guilty for finally finding happiness... I'm not a good person, but i wouldn't do that to them, they mean so much..and I'd rather die that let them feel a twinge of guilt over my pathetic self. so i decided to plaster the stupid grin on my face, this way no one would ask, and i wouldn't have to go through that fight again.

what's going on these days...it's nothing to what will happen in the future...emptiness is scary.

please God, give them every ounce of happiness they deserve and then some, and give me the strength to face the inevitable.

it's not like anyone reads this

2011-03-31T12:12:00.000-07:00

i don't want to complain...i never talk to anyone about anything, but since no one reads this, i'm about to let go...

I knew something was going to happen. my stupid intuition kept nagging at me for four weeks...i wish it would help a little in an exam or something, but noooooo, it just had to tell me a month early so i can get stressed properly before their highness come strutting into my life...

as if I wouldn't be stressing enough when they do make their grand entrance!!

so they're here...

and life is just perfect! All ties are severed wal 7amdo-lellah, it's the same ordeal all over again. but this one is stronger, more deep rooted and destructive. but of course, being practically a no body, there isn't anything i can do or say, because it won't mean anything to anyone.. I might as well be talking to a rock...but they have every right to ignore me, heck, even I wouldn't listen to me if i had a choice!

feel the butterflies and rainbows mood?? yeah, me neither.

and oh, please lets not forget the beautiful show of rubbing all my crushes in my face in such a short time, that was hysterically sad. I seriously thought that somebody planned it, it cannot be a coincidence for people who NEVER cross paths to saunter into my pathetic-excuse of a life in a 20-day span!! i'm not stupid, i know unnatural when i see it, and that was not natural.

and of course, there's the nightmare of September looming in the distance. I used to think of it like a relief, my ticket out of hell for an entire year!! but we couldn't have that now, can we??

i'm not allowed to feel happy, so God sends me the most nosy girl on the planet to go with me...come on, she even eats with her mouth wide open!! i almost cry every time i think about it.

so i don't want to go, but i sure as hell don't want to stay either. so what do i do??

can't i just crawl under a rock and disappear???

...I don't understand this

2011-03-20T11:37:00.000-07:00

can't be much longer now...

I can see it coming, i just hope that it will be before that dreaded day.

but this...

i don't understand it....is it supposed to make me feel alright? to give me hope? or to erase whatever I have left of it??

when i found out, the old hope rekindled itself inside me...but upon facing it ,my hopes were crushed, and the dead organ inside my chest jerked forcefully then stilled.

why ?? why now?? when it's almost over? couldn't have fate left me this final lie to hold on to, do I have to leave disappointed??

please, oh God please, let it not be yet another blow...my heart can't take it, not anymore.

E.E Cummings...cute poem

2011-03-17T03:36:00.000-07:00

I have read this poem somewhere, it's so sweet...reminds me that there are normal people in this world...real normal...not our kind of normal.

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

so nice <3

the sting

2011-03-03T08:47:00.000-08:00

Slap

...

Sting.

...

Slap

...

Sting

...

Slap

...and Sting.

will it ever stop?

...longing for the numbness to take over...

...maybe one day, the slaps won't sting.

maybe...

science in religion

2011-02-27T05:58:00.000-08:00

for anyone who has ever read the Holy Quran, really read it, it contains numerous scientific secrets; some found and some are still waiting to be discovered.....

I study biomedical engineering at the German Jordanian University, last semester, i had the honor of being a student in Dr.Zaid Ghazzawi's Biosignals and Biosystems class. this professor is one of those people whom Allah has given the potential to study, understand and improve.

that class has been one of the most interesting classes i have ever registered in, and I believe that everyone out there should be able to see what that great professor has accomplished, he has important things to say people...really important things.

so for anyone who is interested in the amazing truths hidden in the Holy Quran, you can subscribe, here's the link to Dr. Zaid's YOUTUBE page:

http://www.youtube.com/user/zaidg

extract from :Les Mis'erables by Victor Hugo

2011-02-16T09:41:00.000-08:00

this book is one of the most beautifully written books there is...here's a part that i really liked, some people are really talented...

"He is in the tremendous sea. Under foot he has nothing but what flees and crumbles. The billows, torn and lashed by the wind, encompass him hideously; the tossings of the abyss bear him away; all the tongues of water dash over his head; a populace of waves spits upon him; confused openings half devour him; every time that he sinks, he catches glimpses of precipices filled with night; frightful and unknown vegetations seize him, knot about his feet, draw him to them; he is conscious that he is becoming an abyss, that he forms part of the foam; the waves toss him from one to another; he drinks in the bitterness; the cowardly ocean attacks him furiously, to drown him; the enormity plays with his agony. it seems as though all that water were hate. Nevertheless, he struggles."

descriptive and beautiful.

OUT

2011-01-30T08:35:00.000-08:00

I had decided to write a review for the book I've just finished reading, but then I changed my mind.

because it doesn't matter...10,100 or 10K, it makes absolutely no difference.

guess the "virtual world is completely different because one can hide their identity" doesn't really work for me.

out is out, be it here or there.

untitled

2011-01-09T22:51:00.000-08:00

the need to write is so strong, but the barriers blocking the way of my words are too thick, too high...

torn between the fear of being exposed and the promise of a huge relief that writing usually gives me, i stare cautiously at my laptop screen, as it waits, patient as ever, for me to just let the words go.

but it's not that easy. it's true that the cold exterior is only a mask, a mask that has been on for so long that people came to believe that it's the real thing...but what lies behind the mask is a withered and tattered version of what it used to be. a tired soul that mostly chooses to succumb and let the silence take over...silence revels in the power handed to it, and uses it to force the words down, never to be let go, never to be heard.

but sometimes, in a fit of indignation, the soul decides to free the words, and they burst out, eager to tell the world their stories...

...so they come in jumbled mess, and face the first barrier; language. can I turn this jumble of thoughts into words, would they even make sense?

..and the second; fear of vulnerability. would they be too much? would they expose me completely, and leave my mind vulnerable for the entire world to see?

...the third; insecurity. are my words good enough? do they compare to the writings of everybody else? this is where they usually stop, because i know that they are not, by any means, good enough to be published.

but if the soul is extra rebellious, it smothers this insecurity and decides to break a hole into this barrier and let the words proceed with their journey...

...the final, most difficult obstacle of all, the last barrier, the Big Zero. this does it, and the words scurry back to the dark realms of my mind...

in the rare occasion, when the words are rebellious enough to ignore the big zero, they rush out in a torrent of barely logical sentences, perhaps only comprehendable to their writer.

...exactly like this post.

and if you actually read this, and reached this far, then I salute you.

2011

2010-12-30T07:02:00.000-08:00

so 2010 is almost over...thank GOD and good riddance!

yeah, 2010 was one long year, I'm just thankful that it's almost over.

so 2011...

what could it mean? decisions?

well...according to the ancient Mayans, it's almost the end of the world...

it also means a new semester, my last semester in Amman....

Germany, here I come...

I'm going to be 21 years old in a couple of weeks, sounds old...

I decided to be stronger, like steel. cold and emotionless. no more would I let life's disappointments break me again.

I decided to never wear purple. I hate that color. blue has always been and always will be my favourite color. although i'm sometimes partial to bluish-grey, that color is simply hypnotizing...

i'm building on my heart model, the one I worked on my Biosignals class, i'm planning on modifying it to a complete and functional model.

all the unpublished drafts will have to go.

if i had the time, i'd like to make a new portfolio...I have many ideas that would make such beautiful drawings.

i'm also fixing some withered relations...reconnecting if possible.

inshalla...

i don't know what else...still thinking...

anyway!! HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE :)

I wish you a beautiful year, filled with many happy surprises!

fine!!!

2010-11-17T09:30:00.000-08:00

hek y3ne?

6ayeb...mashe el 7al. kter hek 3la fekra...

fine...

tech help needed!!!

2010-11-14T22:52:00.000-08:00

this is not my kind of posts, but this problem is getting on my nerves, no one online seems to have had the same exact problem....i really really hope someone will have any idea....

so this whole thing started about a month ago, when i replaced my laptop's battery. the original one died after serving its purpose for two years. when i first installed the new battery, the computer was working fine, the battery was charging...once it was charged full (it did so quite fast, i might add...about two hours) the computer turned off and wont turn on with or without the AC adapter!!

so i removed the battery, and started the laptop, but once i re-inserted the battery, it turned off!! after a few minutes i tried again, this time it started with the battery inside, but of course using AC power....it died while booting....**sigh**

the stupid thing decided to save me from the misery and start working smoothly like...5 trials later.

after that first incident, I avoid charging the battery fully at all. because, it turns out that my laptop doesn't like the battery fully charged, but would work perfectly with..say a 95% charged battery....

two days ago, i made the mistake of forgetting my laptop connected to the AC outlet for almost 90 minutes. it turned off, of course.

and now, it wont run without AC. it shouldn't last that long...it usually starts normally after some time...

by the way, my laptop is TOSHIBA and i use windows vista.

wallahe, my laptop has a mind of it's own. this problem is mind boggling and stupid.

can anyone help?!!!

...gotta love Il Divo

2010-10-27T10:29:00.000-07:00

i can't get over how amazing this band is.

their voices are out of this world...no matter how much i try, i'd never do them justice.

listen, and judge for yourself....

this is one of my all-time-favorites: Regresa mi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJNzmNB48no&feature=related

enjoy:)

73 things...

2010-10-17T23:26:00.000-07:00

useless. fear. numerous. rejection. tracks. high. floors. audacity. beat. whispers. yellow. menace. snickers. force. nonsense. strength. flutter. arrows. electricity. directions. voice. league. blue. anticipation. summation. traffic. noise. equality. heat. sleepiness. questions. explanations. black. contact. shiny. skewed. cover. points. perfection. competition. focus. tight. cream. free. music. ink. notes. curly. white. fun. aroma. shade. hideout. dust. wood. words. floating. light. sharp. roundness. cute. Mondays. nostalgia. wonder. azure. smokey. space. chocolate. fresh. knot. tan. dusk. peace.

when did it become vulgar to speak my own language?!

2010-10-01T05:42:00.000-07:00

this post is really not something I would usually write, but someone I know tested my patience yesterday doing this thing and I just had to do something about it.

do you know how some people believe that it's 'cool' to be speaking in a different language than their mother language? i thought that only stupid pansy kids did that, but lately I've met some people who throw in an English word in every sentence that comes out of mouths, now that is not a problem in itself, the real problem is that a) their English is horrible! b)they weren't in a situation that demanded they speak English c)they've never been to an English speaking country for more than two months max...

now before go yelling at me for being a hypocrite, I will have you know that I don't do that, I only write in English because that's the default language of my computer and it would take forever to type anything in Arabic since I'm not used to the locations of the letters on the keyboard.

anyhow, I have this class which is taught by a man who refuses to be spoken to in anything but English, only speaks English and honestly believes that we didn't know what the word "text" meant until he told us! the problem is, his English is so bad, it's difficult to understand what he's talking about half the time. this really scrapes on my nerves, why would anyone do that? do people who behave like that really not realize how ridiculous they sound sometimes? is being "cool" really worth the humiliation?

I'm not trying to make fun of anyone, by the way, because that's just wrong. all I'm trying to say is that people should feel comfortable speaking their own languages, because most of the time, there really is no reason not to.

I wish that you could hear how people speak in my classes, seriously! those kids think it's 'faya3a' to speak in any language but their own...maybe they're trying to impress each other or something , I don't know, but I hate to believe that they are like that all the time..

this is just an example, I know a whole lot of people who are like that. but they would really take it personal if I try to explain that what they're doing doesn't make sense. After all, who am I to try and stop them from being bilingual?!

hot rain

2010-09-22T10:01:00.000-07:00

.hot rain

as weird as it might feel to experience the effect of hot water drops spraying your face, it really isn’t a new experience.

I think it’s a metaphor for life. a lifetime is full of surprises; how many times have you experienced the queer feeling of apprehension? you are expecting something good, something beneficial at some level...but you cannot help this feeling of apprehension and dread in the pit of your stomach. but then you smother this feeling, thinking that it’s just the insecurity clawing at the wall of your confidence and trying to trigger your pessimism...

and what do you know, as you let things play out at their own pace, what you’re expecting turns out to be harmful. causes you tension instead of relief.

and this is exactly my feeling today. listening to the patter of the raindrops against my window at dawn was soothing. the cold drops usually help me relax, relieve the tension, but as I felt the hot drops hitting my skin, a feeling of apprehension filled my being. this is wrong. rain should not feel that way...and don’t get me wrong, I hate the cold, but I love the rain...real rain..chilly drops, the refreshing feeling.

I’m not a psycho or a pessimist, but I trust my gut feeling, and this hot rain makes me feel weird things...let’s just hope, that for once, just this once, my gut feeling turns out to be wrong...because if it doesn't, God only knows what the outcome might be.

for a strictly logical person, this might sound exceedingly ridiculous, but if they give themselves the time to think, it would make sense ,I’m sure. they simply cannot deny the fact that they have felt dread at least once.

praying for my feeling to be wrong. good day everyone.

NEWS

2010-09-16T07:07:00.000-07:00

Last week I decided that for some reason, as a fully grown 20-year-old, I had to start watching (or reading) the news. Local, global or whatever kind of news I can get my hands on. Do you realize how enormous the amount of articles that are published every day on the web alone?! It’s fascinating. How the writers come up with such a huge number of ideas every single day is beyond me. But that’s beside the point, I’m blabbering again. Ignore me.

So I started watching the global news every morning with my parents. Let me tell you, it was horrible. I mean I knew what was going on, just because I didn’t follow the news before doesn’t mean that I don’t know what the heck has been going on. But it was terrible all the same. All those images of dead people, sick children, and audacious men screaming offending remarks were just too disturbing for me to watch. How do you people go to work every day after watching such haunting images and hearing such aggravating words?!

And after that comes all that talk of economy, stocks, money, the recession and blah blah blah. That part bores me to tears every time! Seriously, how many times do people need to hear that they’re slowly but surely becoming poorer than church rats? It’s starting to sound much like Chicken Little’s ‘the sky is falling!’.If I were to organize this part of the daily news, it would only show the stocks, period.

The weather forecast is my favorite part of the news; it’s short, helpful and to the point. Except, of course, the constant reminders of the planet’s impending doom because of the global warming. but I totally agree with that, because we caused this. We ruined our planet and we need to fix it. and if we didn’t remind ourselves of that fact every day, we’re just going to go back to the behavior that caused this crisis in the first place.

From the serious talk of politics, economy and environment the scene changes spontaneously into celebrity gossip. I can actually feel myself losing IQ points watching that stuff! It’s packed with stupid rumors and paparazzi bombarding celebrities everywhere they go. Sometimes it’s fun to watch the clothing choices for some eccentric celebrities, but I don’t think that anyone would have the patience to judge people’s fashion sense for a living. It’s boring.

So after my attempt at being an informed person failed dramatically I decided to stick to reading blogs and whatever strikes me as important from the numerous articles published in newspapers. No more news channel for me J

Ramadan Mubarak!! I know it's late!

2010-08-24T06:47:00.000-07:00

hello!!
guess what? I feel like writing again! when I deleted my blog, I lost my only way of expressing myself (okay, it's just venting, but oh well..).
so today I'm home alone, the muse struck and i wanted to write something!

first I want to wish everybody a happy Ramadan, Ramadan Mubarak ya jama3a, i know it's late, but i can't just start writing again ignoring the fact that Ramadan had started, that would just be rude!

anyway, what i really wanted to talk about today is the spirit of Ramadan and Eid. Do you think that the spirit still exists? i don't know, I think that it still does, even if it's not the same. one thing is for sure, people still like to gather around for iftar several times during the month. I find the concept of those gatherings very nice; seeing families brought together around one table is heartwarming. but that is not always the case, some people ignore the fact that Ramadan is a holy month, a time for forgiveness and good deeds, they let their pride control their actions, and more often that not they end up hurting their families and loved ones.

other than that, no matter how much people say that they don't feel the spirit anymore, i believe that it still exists. the times are different, everything changes but that doesn't mean that it ceases to exist anymore. can you really not feel how the general atmosphere shifts during Ramadan? to me it feels serene, peaceful and for lack of a better word ;clean.

do you people feel it too?

anyway, enough of my babbling. i hope it makes sense, i'm such a scattered-brained person so my thoughts are always in a jumble. and if my writing is as messy as my thoughts, then it must be gibberish. sorry! i promise to try to organize my thoughts better.

Music...Music...Music

2010-06-17T10:44:00.000-07:00

So, I have a million different thoughts swirling in my head right now and I can’t, for the life of me, put it all in words in a way that is both coherent enough to get it off my chest and ambiguous enough not to leave me very vulnerable and exposed….

So I decided to just write the lyrics of the song I’m listening to!

Can’t take my eyes off of you is one of the best songs out there. And even though Frank Sinatra is an incomparable artist, I can’t help but prefer the version sung by Heath Ledger in the movie 10 things I Hate About You.

Ladies and gentlemen, Can’t take my eyes off you:

You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you
You'd be like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much
At long last love has arrived
And i thank god i'm alive
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you (this is my favorite part  )

Pardon the way that i stare
There's nothing else to compare
The sight of you leaves me weak
There are no words left to speak
But if you feel like i feel
Please let me know that it's real
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you

I love you baby, if it's quite alright
I need you baby to warm the lonely nights
I love you baby, trust in me when i say okay
Oh pretty baby, don't let me down, i pray
Oh pretty baby, now that i've found you, stay
And let me love you, oh baby, let me love you, oh baby...

...the man had an a mazing voice, a stunning smile and a great character. that all made the performance tenfold better!

not working

2010-06-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

it's not working. can't describe my state of mind, but i find these lines from Edgar Allan Poe's "the Raven" very fitting to the situation.:

"And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!"

it might not mean anything to someone who just reads it, but I can feel the relief of getting some of it off my chest, even if it's in riddles...

tick......tock

2010-06-05T07:20:00.000-07:00

the clock is ticking.slower than ever.
no body likes waiting...and for me, since patience is virtue I don't have, it's torture.
waiting....
..for the first ray of light...
..for reassurance...
..for the results, God knows how long has it been since i had felt the pride of a job well done...
..for the confessions...
..for a twinkle...
..for a decision to be made...
..for an answer.

yeah, too much. too much indeed.

unlearning

2010-06-02T08:32:00.001-07:00

If there is anything more difficult than learning, it must be unlearning.
Everything we know, we gained through experience; either our own or the experiences of others in our environment. So we are the product of our surroundings, an accumulation of lessons learned through a lifetime of situations and decisions, molding our personalities and making us who we really are. Therefore, unlearning is like tearing a part of you and throwing it away. It’s hard, painful and not at all comfortable.
Occasionally, we are faced with the situation of being in a completely unfamiliar place, inhabited by people leading an entirely different lifestyle than ours…and we are expected to forget everything we know and live, act and sometimes even think exactly like them. All under the term “adjusting”.
People don’t like what’s different. That’s human nature. Humans find comfort in familiarity; they strive to build walls to protect their safe zone, hence the rejection of “intruders”. Faced by this, a new comer finds himself in a dilemma; he wants to be accepted, to adjust and get rid of all the unwanted attention. On the other hand he doesn’t want to lose his personality, character and principles…things that make him, he does not want to unlearn.
The decision?
That depends on the person himself; if he owns the virtue of flexibility, it’s usually easier for him to get used to the new surroundings, and soon he will be an entirely different person. After all, unlearning does remove parts of you, but only to replace them with others and make you a new person. Who knows, maybe it’s a new-and-improved version, depending on the new surroundings.
As for stubborn people who are uncomfortable with change; it could take them forever to adjust, and they might never do. They are too proud, too connected with their past to let go. Their past experiences are integral parts of their being. They simple cannot afford to lose them. For if they do, who would they be?
The best group, in my opinion, is the people who adjust, but not entirely. They draw the line at every act that does not agree with their beliefs and what they were raised to believe right. But they have no problem with any other aspects in the new place. Those are the “winning group”.
What do think? In what group would you fit?

2010-05-19T10:34:00.000-07:00

SALAM!!

since this blog is supposed about my life, I decided to post some of my doodles here...because drawing is an integral part of who I am.

words can not express everything; the human mind is extremely complicated...

i'm warning you in advance, those are not much...just some sketches and doodles.

my internet is struggling, will upload more later. not soon though, my finals are looming in the horizon :S

so the next update will be in a couple of weeks....

hope everyone likes my little sketches :)

winter nights

2010-01-30T11:08:00.000-08:00

Winter nights are magical times...times of love and family bonding. At a time, winter nights meant children curled on the hearthrug by the fire, listening to their grandfather's stories and the cacophony created by the raindrops' platter against the windows.

Nowadays, my winter nights consist of our cozy little living room, with my mother sprawled on the sofa, my father smoking cigarettes in the next room and my sisters and I exchanging jokes and poking fun at each other by the fire.

Some may argue that winter nights have lost their air of love and coziness, actually, i'm opposed to that opinion. I believe that technology may have driven families apart, but it can never ever steal the magic from our lives...that no matter what, we will always find a way to enjoy our little moments of warmth. so my advice to you; don't believe anyone who says that our life has lost it's meaning, because without hope, one might as well be dead.

that wasn't long i know, but this idea has been swirling around in my head for a while now, so i decided to post this (in spite of my former decision to cancel this blog). hope you liked it.

if you did, leave a comment...i'll be happy to hear what you people think!

An Amazing Poem by EDGAR ALLAN POE

2009-12-11T04:35:00.000-08:00

this poem is just so beautiful. it's up high on my-favorites list. thought i might share..

ALONE

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were---I have not seen
As others saw---I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I lov'd, I loved alone.
Then---in my childhood---in the dawn
Of a most stormy life---was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that 'round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold---
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass'd me flying by---
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

Security Blanket

2009-11-26T04:53:00.000-08:00

Have you ever found yourself in a state of complete panic?

Like something abhorrent is about to happen and there is nothing you can do to prevent it?

You fight vigorously but fruitlessly, trying to get the world to open their eyes and see!!...only to have the world stare at your distraught face indifferently. And you can almost hear their thoughts whispering inside their evil little heads: nutcase.

And then you feel helpless…cry out. But unsurprisingly, your voice cords betray you and nothing comes out.

You fall to the cold, hard floor. Having lost all power, all will, all hope.

And then…

Just then, you want nothing more than your security blanket.

you look around and see someone wrapped snuggly in it. You see right through the fake exterior…you recognize the loathsome truth behind the dark chocolate pieces of hell.

GAME OVER.

You give in unwillingly, realizing the horrendous consequences of stirring any kind of commotion.

You eye the security blanket longingly one last time and walk away sighing. The last inkling of light fading like a faint wisp of smoke…

Time…time will show you the truth.

winter in GJU

2009-11-18T05:17:00.000-08:00

As a student in GJU; I would like to share with you what winter means to a GJUan J

Here’s the picture; it’s overcast and really cold, the wind is blowing, the first lecture is starting in 15 minutes…students scurry out of the cars and into the crowded coffee shop across the street, seeking a steaming cup of coffee or hot chocolate. or mocha in my case :P But unfortunately in GJU, coffee is normally accompanied with a cigarette. I swear you can never walk by building B without someone blowing smoke right in your face!! But whatever, it’s their business, not mine.

If the first lecture is German; then it’s typical to see students sitting in their cars and doing their homework over the steering wheel..that has to be the most typical scene in my university :P

During first lecture fights break out; some students are too “tough” to wear something warm, so they demand that all windows be shut…eventually they lose; the room needs air. You’d think that people would prefer being warm to being “cool”…

First lecture ends. Students pour out of the classrooms into the chilly morning air…greeting friends and sharing stories from the day before, or even doing some revision for an upcoming test…when this break is over, noses are usually red, students are shivering and in my case, hate to admit that I’d rather take a lecture than stay out in the cold any longer…kids who have second lectures in building A start the looooooooong way up the hill, I hate building A!!! It’s old, sinister and eerie. NOT to mention that Organic Chemistry lab is located in it. ew!

11-12.30 breaks are the most common breaks. Almost everyone is out. it’s time for breakfast! “bet byoot “ is my favorite place to eat, when we don’t have chocolate for breakfast…kids in GJU also like “noor al shahba2”,it’s definitely a favorite. And of course there’s the pizzeria…

Students eat out in the cool air. Right in front of building B, under our lonely tree J

This is how winter will always be in our beloved GJU! At least until we move to the permanent site.

home

2009-10-31T10:59:00.000-07:00

I'm back!!! problem ignored. everything's good.

enjoy my latest piece of work!

Home

It was pure magic

Enchanting…elusive…and deep, so deep…

Hazy gray pools,

Reflecting beauty and danger

Encircled by honey golden trees,

Shimmering on the top of the vast mountain,

It was enormous and majestic,

A golden hollow circled it,

It looked almost holy.

So I stood there….

Like I was seeing the world for the very first time…

Beauty. Mystery. Strength. Edge. Secrets. Ease. Care. Freedom. Pain. Heat. Comfort. Tenderness....I could go on forever.

I knew. I just knew then that I was HOME.

replaced

2009-10-23T01:43:00.000-07:00

it hurts.
not going to post the whole thing i wrote. you don't need to read something downright depressing.
this blog is going to be put on hold 'till this thing is over.
sorry.

my new obsession

2009-10-17T08:04:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQVeaIHWWck

MUSIC plays a huge role in my life....and classical is my own personal heaven. MOONLIGHT SONATA is one impossibly beautiful obsession of mine.I'd like to share it with you...

**thnx Beethovenslady for the video

such a cruel heartless world

2009-10-09T23:46:00.000-07:00

there she is...the stupid little girl...
trying to hide in the shadows...she's afraid to be seen..
stupid girl knows not..
that she doesn't need to hide...
for invisible she will be...in the brightest light..
tiny frame..
pale complexion..
eyes and hair the color of dirt..
the plainest creature on earth..
shoulders hunched, eyes glued to the floor
she walks..
and as she wanders aimlessly she sees,
a ghost of a light she knew very well..
her guardian angel..back to save her!
happy she really was,
but broken was she so much more..
the angel mistook her misery for coldness..
frowned, uttered hurtful words and walked away.
little girl stared with tortured eyes
as her last hope faded into the night..
drained and hopeless she curled on the ground
her eyes tearful yet dry..
wondering what sin could she have done
to deserve this, but found none..
it's such a cruel, heartless world.

this isn't poetry...just my thoughts ,written in riddles...

Mission first week. accomplished

2009-10-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

promised there will be an update about my first week this semester so here we go...

Well I guess we could say my week had been hectic to say the least; new schedule, new classes, new professors…it kinda takes some time to get used to everything…

I saw all my friends on Sunday J it was the highlight of my day!! But the sad thing is, we don’t get to see each other much now, coz every one of us has to take different classes due to our different majors....

And of course, me being “miss awkward” I just HAD to embarrass myself a few times through the week leaving my face glowing scarlet in mortification :S

The month we spent in Germany this summer was an excellent experience, a definite eye-opener. I met some extremely nice people I never came across before, and some people who were mere acquaintances became good friends, not to mention the huge load of stuff I learned about my friends!

I learned to be nice, give chances but trust no one until they prove themselves to be trustworthy.

So with the start of this new semester, I changed a lot…

Actually, there’s something else that has changed as well…but I’m not even letting myself hope….’cause things like that, they just don’t happen to plain old me, though I’m sure what this change means. I’m good at reading people.

well that's all I got now!! sorry if i bored you....

Back To School!!!!

2009-09-24T08:05:00.000-07:00

NEW SEMESTER

It's Thursday! finally, we're starting the fall semester on Sunday. Now don't go thinking I'm weird or something for wanting school to start, I just like my college and I miss my friends like hell!!

So the semester has not started yet so I still have so much energy :P but seriously, I have huge plans for this year and I need to keep that status in order to be able to persevere.

over the past week, I have faced some pretty difficult situations that seriously tested my strength and self control, and i survived. One thing I learned from those situations, is that I don't need any one..I can survive alone, because I am a strong, independent woman. So that discovery gave me hope that i can overcome any obstacle that might jump in the path of my success. So is every single one of YOU. I believe that all of you are strong, independent individuals. Don't ever let anything stop you from following your dreams!

so that's what's been going on in "mi vida" lately :)
i just wanted to give u guys an update, and let you now the lesson i learned..the hard way, mind you.

talk 2 u guys l8r with news about the new semester !!!!
till then. lots of love <3>

HELLO AND WELCOME :)

2009-09-15T06:55:00.000-07:00

well, for a start, i just wanted to say WELCOME :)
anyone and everyone are welcome here. I hope you find something interesting, and if you do, Leave a comment :)

**LA MIA VITA**

Message in a Dream

And truth reveals itself..again

Pitch Black

desperate prayer

Like a Duck in a Frozen Lake

Torment

!!!STOP!!!

One is the Loneliest Number

Exchange Year in Germany : the first day

Joy and Sorrow - The Prophet (Gibran)

10..9..8..

Bonding: My Jasmine and I

The Truth about the Forest

exchanging gifts

Past the Silver Doorway

Endless Loop

COPING

music in my veins

volcano

Gold

heroism

reminicing

Crack In the Concrete

a test

Rim Banna: the voice, the fragrance and the figure

(!changing at last(hopefully

i'm scared

stupid stupid STUPID

it's not like anyone reads this

...I don't understand this

E.E Cummings...cute poem

the sting

science in religion

extract from :Les Mis'erables by Victor Hugo

OUT

untitled

2011

fine!!!

tech help needed!!!

...gotta love Il Divo

73 things...

when did it become vulgar to speak my own language?!

hot rain

NEWS

Ramadan Mubarak!! I know it's late!

Music...Music...Music

not working

tick......tock

unlearning

winter nights

An Amazing Poem by EDGAR ALLAN POE

Security Blanket

winter in GJU

home

replaced

my new obsession

such a cruel heartless world

Mission first week. accomplished

Back To School!!!!

HELLO AND WELCOME :)

LA MIA VITA